Too Old For This

So you were in a punk band back in the day, eh? After working until past midnight at your restaurant job, you’d join your closest friends and practice in a converted warehouse or storage unit, or someone’s basement until the early morning. You wrote songs that dealt with the social issues plaguing your country or your city and the personal issues that you felt in dealing with your family, peers or co-workers. Sometimes you’d save up as much money as you can and cram the band into a dilapidated van to travel across the country playing shows and experiencing life with like-minded compatriots and returned with the most amazing life experiences.

Over the years however things changed. You got a steady job, your band members drifted apart, you found a child, animal, or significant other to occupy your time and you just didn’t feel the same about rebelling against the system anymore. Don’t worry, there are two ways you can be part of “the scene” and keep your cred from evaporating.

1) You trade in all of your musical equipment for a pair of turntables (if you were lucky you already had one from when you used to buy records), a Serato system, and a laptop (if you don’t already have one). Congrats, you’re instantly a DJ. Sit back and wait for the offers to come pouring in to “spin” your friends weddings, slow nights at local dive bars, bowling alleys, and everything in between. In order to look cool when you perform learn how to wave your hand to the beat and practice your “Starring deep into your laptop” face; the most important DJ move there is.

2) If becoming a DJ is too costly, time consuming, or doesn’t allow you enough time to practice your drinking habit? Fret not, aged rocker, for there’s another way you can still bother your friends to see you play, make menial amounts of money, and most importantly, flirt with those who grew up with your picture in their lockers. You need to start playing Alt. Country with a quickness. This one’s real simple: dust off your acoustic guitar, freshen up your songs from back in the day, and play as if your sailing on a boat and sing as if you’re gargling whiskey (more authentic to actually gargle whiskey). Sure your outfit may need some work, but chances are you’ve already got the ironic trucker hat buried in your closet from days of yore, work boots from that one time you worked that manual labor job in between tours, and all those band-t’s you’ve been wearing while you paint your house. Throw all that on and get yourself booked at the loudest, smokiest punk bar and you’ll be amazed how quickly you’ll be reliving those glory days (and nights).