Too Old For This

This past weekend I flew to Chicago to attend the much talked-about Pitchfork Music Festival.  I can say two things confidently about it:

1)  I saw some great bands.

2)  I will never attend an outdoor summer festival again.

So, it was fun… but also awful.  Of course, this was no surprise to me.  The last outdoor concert I attended was during my senior year of high school.  A lot’s changed since then.  I have a beard now and my back hurts sometimes when I stand up for too long.  Real talk.

When I got offered a free three-day pass a few weeks ago, part of me was like “Oh my god!  All these awesome bands in one place!  Awesome!” and another part of me was like “Nooooooo!”  I rarely ever pass up free shit, so of course I went.

First off, it was HOT.  Ridiculously hot.  And of course, I was stupidly worried about what I should wear.  My first reaction was that since it’s Pitchfork, I’d arrive to find a sea of twee hipsters dressed in fashionable summer wear, with me looking like a total asshole in comparison.  Fortunately, I arrived to discover that while there were a few errant well-dressers, the rest were the same sloppy weirdos you see at every outdoor concert.  So, while I felt better about my lack of fashion, it didn’t help the fact that 15 minutes after arrival, I was already sweating through what I chose to wear.

The second thing that sucks about outdoor festivals is the distance to the stage.  I’m used to going to bars and clubs to see my favorite bands.  If it’s a band I love, I make an effort to get close to the stage.  Among the sweaty hipster hordes, getting close to the stage is sometimes just not a reality, unless you push about 8,000 people out of your way.  So, since I decided to be polite, I had the unique experience of seeing LCD Soundsystem from 150 yards away.  Or at least I think it was LCD Soundsystem, it was a little hard to make anything out.

Then of course, once you’ve survived an entire day in the hot sun, running from stage to stage to catch your favorite bands who (of course) have overlapping set times, the headliner plays their final encore and then suddenly you realize that you’re among 18,000 people who are now walking out the same tiny exit, looking for the same cab, and hopping on the same train.  Good luck making it home!  I must have walked a cumulative seven miles over the weekend in search of the elusive taxi cab back to my hotel.

If I was 18 again, maybe I could handle the crazy outdoor summer festival environment.  But it’s no longer my thing.  I’d rather spend a much larger sum of money to catch all the individual bands when they come to my city on tour.  That said, if you can handle it - it’s the best bang for your buck.  But if you’re like me with a low heat tolerance and a bad back, you’re better off staying home in the A/C and waiting for your favorite bands to come to you.